The Star Can Shine

Girls. They think love is wonderful and spontaneous. Something you’d see in a movie, where the romance runs and rules over all. I had heard love was great and I’d see couples everywhere. Holding hands, smiling at each other. I had always wondered what they had? What made them so infatuated with each other? I couldn’t understand and having never had that I was so curious to find out.

I went through high school never having a boyfriend. I was starting to wonder if anything was ever going to change, or if I was alone forever. Which was starting to seem like the normal for me. I stayed in my home town to attend the college there. Unlike most seniors I wasn’t dying to leave home or to attend a college anywhere else. I also received a scholarship so financially, it was the smart choice. I went through fall semester like a breeze. I made some friends that weren’t the best, but I soon realized it and straightened myself out. Through high school I struggled with church and I thought I knew everything. But through some special trials I had become stronger in the church.

January marked the year of a new semester and new chances to start anew. Maybe something new could change. I was on student government, Rotaract, and I was participating every activity available. Then I met him. His name was Travis. At first I paid no particular attention because I wasn’t interested, but then I realized he was pretty cute. We started and talking and we’d take walks and I thought he was okay. He attended church and so I figured that he was okay for me to go for. He asked me to be his valentine and I knew for sure he liked me.

We were spending a lot of time together. Soon things progressed and I thought we were together. People would ask and I wouldn’t have a response so I would say I don’t know? One day he was acting really weird and we finally went for a walk, it was weird and different than normal. He asked me if we’d still be “buds” after he told whatever it was he wanted to say. I said sure because I was going in blind. He told me he had slept with someone the night before….I was so heartbroken, I have never felt that before I didn’t know how to react or what to say. How could it be that someone you had these new feelings for be so…so cold. As if, everything was just a game? I asked him if he was okay because I had no idea what to do. I didn’t say anything. I ran upstairs to my student council advisor and cried my heart out. Then I remembered that he had my phone in his bag, I dreaded going to get it.

I went and told my mom, I was so sad that he’d let that happen. And why, because he got drunk. Stupid, I knew I shouldn’t be with this kind of person so I told myself that I needed to stay away, and I should have listened to myself. All I told my mom was that we had “broken” up, I knew she was happy because she didn’t really like him.

I

’ve always been a firm believer in the fact that people can change, but I couldn’t get over the fact that I had been cheated on. When he said, “It’s not like we’re together.” Really struck me deep. That night I had my phone and I just wanted to text him or talk to him. I told myself, “Syd, you don’t deserve this.” Right after that he texted me and asked to see me. I should’ve said no but I said it’d be fine. I was in charge of a movie night at the college that night and so I was really dreading him to show up. Against the advisement of my brain, I went and picked him up. I could tell that he on high on something but I didn’t know what. I should’ve taken that as a hint, but I let it go. He asked me why I was crying and I told him he should know why.

I don’t what possessed me to make myself to forget everything but I did. He asked me to be his girlfriend, and I said yes. Only because I truly thought I’d never get another chance with anyone else. I believed I had to settle. Stupid.

My parents were not happy, they were very upset. Although my memory is foggy, I remember one distinct thing that bothered me, even today. I had an ensign magazine in my hand, a magazine of my religion. While I was holding it he ask me who was on the cover. I told him it was President Thomas S. Monson. He told me to rip it up, I couldn’t do it. I said no and he kept pressuring me. He soon started missing church because he overslept, or not coming to class because he didn’t want to. I wouldn’t see him days and soon weeks because he was busy. I was starting to get very annoyed, but I didn’t do anything about it, but I should’ve.

When we’d hang out he’d talk about St. George, he would say “when I get back to St. George I’m going to tell my friends about you..” I asked him when he was going to tell me he was going to St. George. He said he just told me and that meant we were going to break up. He told me at the end of the semester. The following Sunday we hung out he told me he loved me.

The next day changed my life forever.

Before I begin, I need to express my thoughts. If I would have had but a glimpse of what was to come, felt the sadness, disappointment, and heartache that I would experience, let alone that of my family. I would have run as fast and as far away as possible. I didn’t think this would be hard to write, but it’s the hardest thing I’ve since this time. But I need to do this for myself, to show myself that I can do hard things, and that through the Lord and the atonement I am whole again. So, here it goes…

The next day was Monday, and seeing that he told me those three little words the day before I didn’t know what to expect. I worked at the student center and he said he’d drop by. He came by and he said we should just relax and enjoy the time, we sat down and turned on the TV. Moment’s later he said,

“Syd, I’m moving back to St. George.”

Me: I know you told me that a while ago, when are you going?

Him: Today.

I knew exactly what was happening.

Him: I think we need to take a break

Me…I don’t get it, why would you say you loved me…then just leave.

Him: I don’t know…

I know on paper this sounds lame. But It was so confusing, my heart was racing, my emotions were jumbled. I was so confused….

Me: Are we still friends…

Him: Yes of course, but you need to stop holding my hand, and my mom will be here tonight…

After some tears shed, I walked away so sad. 30 minutes later he told to swing by his dorm so I did. He opened his door and gave me the biggest hug…

Him: I can’t go a day without you, I can’t leave

Me: wait, what?

Him: I’m not going…. ever.

Fast-forward 2 weeks…

We had been talking and he had been applying for jobs but nothing was working out, he asked me to go to  St. George with him. I could live with his sister and look for a job, we’d be together. We had it planned and his sister was cool with it, by this point my parents did not like this kid….Red flags every where…I just didn’t see them. When I told my parents they asked me how long I’d be gone…I said I didn’t know…They were not happy but what could they do.

The morning I left is the first time I’ve ever made my dad cry…. writing this makes me cry still.

I was all packed…He walked into my room and asked me if I was for sure going…I said yes…all he said was…”okay then”

Then I just left….I didn’t even say goodbye. Not to him, my sister or my mom. I just drove off. We drove to St. George, I was sad to go I really was but I felt like I couldn’t back out now, and I honestly felt convinced with was the only way. My parents would call me crying…begging me to come home. I resisted. I even stopped calling them because I felt so ashamed. I knew I needed to be home, I just couldn’t leave.

Fast-forward a few weeks….

I’m leaving out a lot of details and events because I need to just focus on the big stuff…the stuff that hurts the most…It started in quiet spells….He’d lay on the ground and wouldn’t say anthing. I’d try to talk to him but he wouldn’t move, speak…I had no idea what was happening, I’d hadn’t ever seen him like this…He’d say things like, “Are you sure I can keep you?” I had no idea what to say so I’d respond by saying…., “sure, I guess?” The quiet spell would continue and I’d try to nudge him and he’d forcefully shove me away….I didn’t get it….

He would get mad when I did talk to my parents, he’d blame everything on them….”they never liked me.”

“I’m glad they’re out of our life.”

“Your not allowed to call them, they make you cry.”

“You love them more then you love me.”

“They’re racist.”

How the heck do I respond to that…. this isn’t the guy I met, the guy I like. This isn’t the guy I thought I knew.

It was so hard mentally fighting everyday to defend myself and my family, I was so tired of the silent treatments, and the hiding somewhere to call my mom. I wasn’t allowed to text, I had to delete all my guy friends numbers. He made me delete my Facebook so my dad couldn’t message me. I couldn’t do anything. I was trapped. I was scared. I was lost.

I woke up on a Sunday morning and I pleaded with the Lord to give me his spirit…. all I wanted to do was go to church. He said my dress to short, to tight, to long…. whatever the excuse I couldn’t go. If I wore make up he’d say,

“Who are you getting dressed up for?”

“I told you, you don’t need makeup, why are you wearing it? You don’t believe me? Fine, your ugly.”

It was torture.

Later on I was able to move home….but then he moved close to me again too. I always ask myself this…. why didn’t I stay out? But I was too scared. He had me controlled. Too scared to scream for help! Get me out of this relationship! Please….I’m dying here! We weren’t supposed to be seeing each other, but after I knew he was in my town to I’d see him. When my parents found out they were so mad at me…but again…what do they do?

Then it started again…. worse.

Beside the fact that to him, he thought I was getting fat, cheating on him, or talking to other guy friends. He decided that hitting was okay.

Again, I’ve trained myself to block a lot of stuff out, to pretend it never happened. Which isn’t healthy….I remember a few things.

He used choking to get me to surrender. The first time I thought he was joking….untill I ended up against a wall with this hands around my neck so tight I was couldn’t even speak. Breathing was getting harder and harder, My vision was getting blurry and I couldn’t get out. His eyes were black as the night. Cold and merciless, It’s almost like he was possessed. I was crying and prying at his hands, gasping for any air. When he saw fit, he released me…I fell to the ground and would crawl anywhere I felt safe. I had never been happier to  breath….I had to wear scarves to cover the prints his hands left, I had to adapt.

I was terrified to speak, I was scared I would say the wrong thing; I didn’t want him to get mad. I knew what would happen.

I knew that besides choking, there was a chance he’d grab my throat with one hand and punch me with the other hand. Too many times did I wake up with bruised ribs…hand marks on my throat and a big lip. I couldn’t even look at myself, I wasn’t a person anymore. I was what he called me… “His punching bag.”

“Go tell your daddy I beat you, he doesn’t care, and he never will.”

What caused me more grief is that I was home! I was in my beautiful hometown! Even though I wasn’t living at home…My family was 5 minutes away and I couldn’t see then until my bruises were gone. I couldn’t open my mouth to eat because my lips were broken and my face had a gash…

I’m sorry for being the biggest cry baby….I know that I sound like I made this up. But this happened…and this is only the mild stuff. I have never cherished love and freedom more than I do now. I have never been excited to go the church until I couldn’t go anymore. I have never been more excited to see my family until then…when the bruises were gone, and I felt normal again.

Fast forwarding again…..I move back to St. George with the support of my family this time. I went by myself and my dad took me down. I lived with my cousins and was working full time. Then he followed me again. My parents knew we were seeing each other. But in my mind we weren’t together.

The abuse continued, and I hadn’t told anybody. I was scared of what would happen. It’s not like people think…why can’t those girls just walk away? It’s not like it’s hard…but it’s impossible. Walking away isn’t an option. I was lucky it I got to by myself 10 minutes for a shower without him thinking I was cheating on him…

Here’s where I fast forward a couple months and put an end to this relationship for good.

I started growing sick of always having bruises, being scared, crying, not eating, bleeding and developing new scars. I started fighting back. Instead passing out I’d kick back. I’d bite back. I’d push back. Sometimes it made it worse, but sometimes it helped. It was helping me develop the courage to get out.

One night, he was mad…again and jumped in my car. I wasn’t going to let him drive off in my car, so naturally I jumped in the passenger seat. He was driving so fast, swerving and running lights. He said “you’ll never betray me again! I’ll make sure of it.” I was crying and begging him to slow down. Please pull over and let me out. I pulled out my phone to text for help and he through my phone out.

“you want out now?!” he asked me going 60mph…he reached other me and opened the passenger door, he tried to push me out and I jumped onto the center console…I was so scared. I thought I was going to die…

I managed to shut my door and was crying harder…I was pleading for him to stop…please stop the car. He finally stopped at a red light,

He told me to stop crying but I couldn’t, how did I get to this point. How the heck did I let myself get here! What am I doing wrong, Why did I do this! I was going over this in my head, I was so mad at myself for allowing me to be in this situation.

Meanwhile, I couldn’t stop crying so he hit me harder than he ever had across the face. He started threatening my family, mocking my biological family, cursing Jesus Christ and the church for making him an evil spirit. He said he was ready to stop the car. I was so relieved to have him gone!

Until he started driving up a hill….a hill where there were no houses…he was driving up a cliff.

“I hope your family knows you love them. We’re going to die tonight.”

There are no words. No words to describe the last moments of your life. The last moments where everything flashes before your eyes. You see your family, your friends, your pets, and the lord.

I see the end of road. The steep drop off where they’ll find my body and wonder what happened. What will my family say….I should've been better

“Open the door.” I heard the voice say…

Me: what, I can’t open the door! He’s going 80mps I’ll die!

“Open the door Sydney.”

Me: I’m scared Lord…I’ll die, I’ll roll down the cliff..

“OPEN THE DOOR….”

Are there words to describe the lord taking over your body? Is there a way to describe the voice of the LORD telling you to obey and have total faith you’ll be okay?

The 3^rd time of the lord telling me was surreal, I watched my hand reach for the door, I saw my hand open the door. I felt my body being lifted up by an angel and literally placed on the road. I saw an angel being placed in front of my and stopping it right before it went off the cliff…. I SAW AN ANGEL.

It saved me, literally. I should’ve died. I should not be here today. I cannot deny the power of the lord. I cannot deny angels because I have seen one. I have seen one. I have felt one. I know the lord is true and is almighty. I know he is the greatest power.

What happened after this doesn’t matter…what matters is that it happened.

It’s up to you to decide for yourself if you believe this. I know it happened, God knows it happened. And I will proclaim to the world God is real. His mercy is real and his power is real. I will proclaim to the world, change is possible.

Light Can find is it way, even in the darkest night.

I am a star, and….

The Star Can Shine.